Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Today:

She's going. My contact lenses are sliding from my eyes. I woke up too early this morning and cut my hair. My sister is coming to stay.

Monday, May 29, 2006

I started to actually write something of substance last night, (at my favourite time to write, 2am when i can't sleep) from an idea that has been floating around in my head for a few days now. It's crap. I am not made of substance, i'm just no conversation and no ideas.

I'm useless at feeling good.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I am the only one left in my flat now. I like it. I imagine this is what it'll be like to live alone in my own house, old, crazy and resenting the world.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Hip hop. Metal. Hardhouse. Pop art. Pop art.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm also addicted to a really stupid but fun internet game that involves killing little farm animals. The farm animals include teddy bears and an orange octopus. Pop pop pop. (And that could be my brain cells popping, not the animals dying.) Amy and i could give Joe on Hollyoaks some money making ideas.

There's gin in my letterbox and i locked myself out of my room so i call her and say "i can't get into my bedroom." While i'm eating cereal she comes round and i say "my door is jammed shut, look" and i turn the handle and the door opens. Such is life.

Neighbourssimpsonshollyoaks. I like that cute blonde girl, Reece's sister.

Monday, May 22, 2006

No more shit now, i promise. The things/days that mean the most are more difficult to write about than those times when i'm just creating some imaginary life for myself to exist in.

She left on saturday. One down four to go etc and then there were three. I didn't get sad. Maybe i should have. My mum called me this morning, about some trivial form i'm supposed to have filled in and i told her that everyone was leaving. She says "You do know you're just going to have to try and make the most of what you've got at home over the summer don't you? It's up to you to make the effort so you're not just... bored all the time."
'Bored' is the wrong word, we both know what she really means.
I don't care about much of anything these days. Going through the motions.

"Sometimes at the weekends we meet up at our favourite cafe ... hold out your hand and feel my brain burns."

Maybe it's not that i don't care about much of anything, maybe it's that i have just started to care about myself. (When really all i've ever cared about is myself, which got me into the state i am in the first place.) Now there's someone i can be around, someone who turns me back into the person i miss being. It might just be that i need to make more of an effort.

This is another awful collection of words. Perhaps i could talk about recording friends singing primary school songs and mountains of white chocolate with cream and books and eating (throwing) strawberry cheerios and breaking cocktail glasses and tattoos and and and and and... umbrellas? Things that are fun, and good. FUNANDGOOD. And how loud the cars are outside my window because everywhere is so quiet apart from the rain and my music. Cosmetics for aesthetics.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

entry
entry
entry
entry
entry I need to learn some new words, how many times did i repeat myself in that last entry?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

This is one of those entries i hardly ever write, except in my diary to remind myself. This is one of those "i did this and i did that" entries. Because i've been having a reasonable time of late, which makes a change from goddamn awful.
Tonight, after an episode of Green Wing that wasn't as good as the keyboard episode (although there were of course some excellent moments... D for... Dog's DDDDicks) we decided to go out and were accompanied by a local boy who wouldn't leave us alone and decided to "bounce along" with us while his four friends trailed behind. We had to go to the awful end-of-year halls party to escape and wait for the bouncers to usher them away. It was quite frightening although my writing leaves a lot to be desired and doesn't really create an accurate picture of what it was like being followed by a group of boys who look and act as if they're ready to rape you at any moment. The Warehouse was good, there was some excellent, excellent music, a few good people and some shots of vodka to help things along. They played Simian, which reminds me of my sister, and Q And Not U.
I rode a bike in the rain, played my favourite game of ridiculing certain unsuspecting flatmates, ("I only like wafer thin cheese" "Really C___? Do you like wafer thin ham? Do you like wafers? Do you like thin people? Would you eat some cheese if it was thick?") and generally thought about the fact i'm going home in about two weeks. I don't like to say, but the words "i don't really want to go back" are a bit of an understatement. I don't want to have to go back to being that person i have managed to escape from for the majority of this year, that person who for the past 3 years of my life has always been ready to jump out with a sharp object at the most miniscule thing.
Yesterday involved rain, random pubs and a great deal of Black Wire coupled with a great deal of alcohol. And when i say a great deal of alchohol i mean jumping from chairs and hanging from shelves and sitting down, cross-legged in the middle of a road in the rain to eat chips after a night out, the majority of which, has been almost completely erased from my memory by vodka. I got a job handing out flyers (but i didn't really) and aquired a Strokes sticker on my arm that i was horrified to discover when i woke up this morning because i have no idea where it came from. I stole a pen from the DJ, i was given drinks by randomers all night and i got in on the guestlist thanks to seeing Black Wire at Action Records that afternoon.

I'm probably (read: definately) a bit drunk now to be honest.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

There is somebody walking around my halls of residence with a megaphone.

You know it makes sense.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I'm all scraps of paper and pens and notes to myself at the moment because the words don't seem to want to stay in my head. Which is good, because i thought i was all dried up. And they're not even words that really make much sense, but they mean something.
Notes on my phone, to remind me:

The way our legs look at the bar
"...and scarfs to bind about their heads... bondage"
"You seem like maybe you're too intense for this world"
Damaged heron
Echo and the Bunnymen
"You seem to have a great deal more motivation than i do, more get up and go"

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I spilt my perfume and it's giving me a headache, my head is rushing. When i walk into the pub tonight i'm going to enter with a waft of scent.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I've got just this one last essay to do, and i can't concentrate, even more so than usual. (And i can get distracted extremely easily.) Today i read though what i'd written so far and realised how awful most of it was, so i got rid of a couple of hundred words. I didn't even highlight and delete, i backspaced through the lot because seeing all those little letters being eaten up was my way of punishing myself for writing so badly and telling myself to sort it out.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Buying very cheap books from Amazon has become my new favourite thing to do these past few days. It's like i see a book and i can't stop myself typing in my card number, which i know off by heart. I noticed yesteday that the last book i bought has the words "easyjet.com lastminute.com" scribbled on the back page. I like that, i like the idea that those aeroplane websites meant something to someone and perhaps they were planning a holiday. The first thing i ever bought from Amazon, i think, was a White Stripes album.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

First. Last night, walking down the stairs i see a boy, hear a boy saying "believe your own hype always!" In a drunken tangle i say "Elle Milano!" and he shows me his t-shirt. Suddenly we're friends for moment and we sing a few lines of "ooo beyonce, beyonce baby"

...

(You died in your armchair watching Star Trek and He-Man, you died in your armchair watching Star Trek and He-Man.)


Second. I don't think my body likes the amount of alcohol i've consumed recently. My essay my essay my essay! But i can barely concentrate today, it's like i'm falling apart or my limbs haven't quite attatched themselves to my brain correctly.

Third. Irn Bru 32... GENIUS.

Fourth. "Crayon snaps in the plaster cracks..."

Thursday, May 04, 2006

AAAARRRRRRRESSST yourself

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

"The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past."
William Faulkner. I've mostly been holed up in my little room, churning out another awful assignment, so going for a walk in the sun today, with my skirt on, will be nice. Refreshing.
The thing is, i can frequently be heard saying "i don't really care about work, as long as i get 40% to pass." But in reality, i do care, quite a lot. Because it could just be 6th form and my not-as-good-as-they-could-be A level results all over again. I suppose you could say i'm sick of my attitude towards things getting in the way of what i know i can actually do. My book arrived this morning. As in... the book i ordered at 3pm yesterday. How did it get here so quickely? Well done, Royal Mail, wonders will never cease.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

How many A-levels does it take to build the world? Today i bought a book from Amazon for 1p. Clothes are hanging up at my window like ghosts.

Bye___________________________