Friday, May 27, 2005

Today was hot. I melted, all over the floor, in a puddle with ice-cream and little chocolate chips.
I am not a summer person. Also, i let someone down yesterday and so i'm sorry to you, the person i let down like a deflating balloon.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

You are colour, i am black and white.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I went for my first ever chinese meal today.



Marvel at my ability to pose with a can of Impulse body spray. Judging by the colour of my skin... i look close to death in this photograph. That is not pale in an interesting way, it's just pale.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

I think i am addicted to Boots Paracetemol and Codeine Effervescent tablets. I like driving in the rain, i have discovered. There's something about being warm and dry in my car while everyone else outside is getting soaked that makes me feel good about myself. Rachel and i went to the French market in Kettering... it was a little disappointing, we thought it was the continental market so where expecting lots of stalls, but it just had food ones yesterday. And a stall selling belts. And bags. The belts and bags stall.

The evening was a shit night out. Basically.

Friday, May 20, 2005

I am listening to a playlist consisting of just three songs that seem to have become some kind of winter anthem for how i was feeling in November/December last year. (Sitting in the car surrounded by boxes and poster tubes and just the dark winter sky. Falling asleep and hot fish and chips on my knees. Back home to eat the food and my own bed again that late night which was warm with a feeling of failure.) And now perched on the same chair, in the same room, staring at the same shelves with rows and rows of cds i feel an incredibally strong sense of deja vue spread over me. Although it isn't deja vue, it's just a memory and a feeling so strong i feel like i am reliving it. Everything, from the atmosphere of the world, to the temperature and the weather and the attitudes and actions of people. The rooms, the lights, the 6am morning walks and my own emotions and feelings.

I thought how much better today is. How much better all these days are even when they seem bad, because everything went wrong then.

It's been a week since my last entry, a week since i last wrote anything much. Even my diary is abandonned in my desk drawer... i just don't seem to have the momentum to get me moving.
My mouth is full and i feel like i constantly want to gag.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Oh gosh...drink. Sripey jumpers and crazy hair that somehow all looks the same with a bout as much fun as you can have with Razorlight and the Killers. Stripey jumpers and stripey shirts and things. Home again now. Why are there still people chatting on msn... go to bed!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

"I'll extract his teeth and make them into a necklace for you."

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I went with Adam to get his tattoo done after work today. It was quite an interesting experience, the needle is tiny... you can barely see the tip of it and i don't know what i was expecting, but it literally looked like Janet was just drawing on his skin, and now he has three stars dancing up his stomach.

Janet has two tiny dogs and they just run around the tattoo place. Surely that can't be hygenic?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

One of my favourite things to do is become obsessed with you, him, everything. The majority of today went by very quickley. I liked it, i wish everyday at work sped by so fast. I wish you could all come and visit me in my little (not so small) shop, and see our lovely ringbinders and lever-arch files, all set out in pretty colours. And look at our envelopes and packaging and our card making section that i spent 3 hours arranging this afternoon. It's wonderful. You could purchase a Playboy pencil case if you wanted to. They're ugly, and cost about £6 but i can get you a discount, i know you all want one. I endorse Playboy, i have a sticker on my uniform. I could show you all our artist materials and who knows, i might even be quite friendly.

Sometimes, i make an extra special effort to be nice, because there is the occasional customer who is really kind and appreciative of your help and it gives me a little bit of energy to smile. Then i get bored of that and just be me again. I am nice (oh, i'm such a nice, lovely person) but just not always particularly enthusiastic. Dear Anna,

I'm sorry i still haven't replied to the letter you sent me so long ago. I'm rubbish, i know. I was, at first, going to wait for a little while to reply so that i could write about something interesting or find something nice to send you. But nothing interesting is really happening. So this is a mini letter until i send you a proper one. It will arrive... one day.

Love, me. xxx

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I did some constructive things today... i restrung beads and i wrote cheques and sorted through the pile of mail on my dressing table, deciding which of it actually looked like it needed to be read, and which was just more election promises. Adam and i quite fancy our local MP's son. We made up stories about him and his school life and the drugs he takes after they came into the shop to buy some specialist paper.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I nearly cried at work today, for fucks sake.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

"You're the only story that i've never told, you're my dirty little secret gonna keep you so."

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I went to Rachel's yesterday, in a green t-shirt and she was in her pretty dress that i persuaded her to buy and without her lip ring anymore. We ate fish and chips from the best fish and chip shop and played Blackjack like old times. Except yesterday we knew the rules for a change. I danced for her, but not in an entertaining way, but so she could take photographs of my pointe shes for her art project. She tied my feet up like a present with gold ribbon.

Monday, May 02, 2005

I'm being stupid today, sitting inside in my plain white t-shirt and jeans and reading old things and wishing i could remember writing them and could be part of something else.

Laura and i get on well, we're going to a gig and things in May.

It's May already isn't it?

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I think my parents are planning on going on holiday to France this summer. I found a leaflet in our dining room with the words "holiday gites" on it.

Bye___________________________