Thursday, June 14, 2007
I love eating whipped cream straight from the can. I love it even more on top of a Pina Colada.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I feel this may quickly turn into a blog solely chronicling my days at work. We got
that white Kate Moss dress in today. Lots of people tried it on, people who probably shouldn't be trying it on. Because of course i dress perfectly.
Monday, June 04, 2007
I finally managed to get myself a job, living proof that miracles do happen, and now i spend my days tidying clothes in Topshop. I dance to the music as i hang up tops and blouses and clear the fitting rooms. I bought myself a nice summery dress today, because it's difficult to work amongst the stock, especially the one skirt that's left at the back of rail, and not see far too many things i like. So far i've enjoyed every shift, but do not think i am tanned enough.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I finally went to see Xerox Teens (XX Teens, whatever) last night. I think i love the singer and his sunglasses. I want to buy a record or something but i can't find them anywhere on the internet, which is probably a good thing because i can't afford it.
GOD KNOWS SHE GOT BONES ///////////////
Monday, May 07, 2007
I write more down when there is work to be done or people i don't want to be involved with. My bedroom smells like white acrylic paint. This is probably because i have been painting.
I bought some black trousers that are so skinny i can hardly bend my knees. I text him and say "i bought some of those trousers, i can hardly bend my knees."
I am hungry, we have no milk.
HELLO LOVER
Sunday, May 06, 2007
I didn't decide to take journalism so i could study law, but here i am, revising for a law exam. I hate it. Then again i guess i don't even know why i took journalism any more and my mother never did, she says. I wish she'd told me so.
I feel like GCSE days, when my father was re-tiling our shower so i had to have a bath every night. I sat in the bath trying to learn science equations with my revision book.
Friday, May 04, 2007
My street is so noisy today, it's so old busy town street with dogs barking, a chorus of birds and lawnmowers and people shouting and across the road a family are moving house. The recycling truck wakes me up in the morning as all the glass bottles smash.
I got a phone call about a job interview today, in a big clothes shop. Only it's full time, which i'd be unable to do after September and i guess i could have just lied and handed in my notice in the autumn, but i don't like deceiving people, even though i've been doing a fair bit of it recently.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I'm having a clothes clearout and they're all over my bed, a deformed patchwork quilt explosion of materials and i do not think i am ruthless enough. I give some clothes to my housemates because giving them away doesn't feel as bad as throwing them away. Although sometimes throwing them away feels good. Others are still folded in a suitcase for sentimentality because i think i may wear this, i like this, i love the pattern on this i just never wear it because it looks awful on me. I used to wear some awful, messy combinations of clothes and i don't mean messy in a tangled, intricate good way. I buy clothes only for little details i like too much.
I really hate my haircut at the moment.
I'm avoiding doing an essay.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Hi, i am alive and i'm made of stronger stuff than this, in the bright corridors and the dark living room and in my bedroom and in the pages of magazines. The blossom heavy spring air is muggy, static like a holiday to a hot country with the first step off the areoplane and it hits you, bam!, like a wall of heat. Tiny white petals cling to my shoes, to the wet grey pavement for their lives' sake. I'm made of stronger stuff than this and my ribs hurt.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
It's such a beautiful day, very yellow and blue and green and pink and the sun is out, spring bank holidays and children in supermarkets. I go to the supermarket with my mother and my grandmother and i have to repeat everything i say twice because they are both a little hard of hearing.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
And i have a dream the country i live in is invaded, on the coast we run through streets and hide in doorways of shops as an army with guns gives chase. On the coast we run past the sea and the rocks and hide in caves and there's a castle. A flag flies saying "don't worry, it's only a dream".
Sunday, April 01, 2007
I feel kind of sick today, i look in the miror and i don't look like myself. My skin isn't the right colour and my hair is too dark and my face seems too big somehow.
My parents have gone away on holiday so i'm keeping house for the next week or so, it's very quiet here.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Sunshine! We walk in the sun, me in a jumpsuit and socks and her in glasses. Last night we drank wine and fell asleep. Peaceful.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I've been going to town on my own a lot recently, just to drift around in my skirt and boots and through the air. I became convinced that someone was following me today, i had the idea stuck in my head all the way from the returns desk at the library and i wondered if they noticed that i walk along the strips of the pavement where it's been repaired and the tarmac makes a line to follow_______________________
They trailed me right through the cold, past the little pastry shop, books as i pondered over my Mother's Day present and they lurked by the pub as i waited at the crossing. I know it's just me, imagining what i look like, the patterns i make on the ground and pauses i make. I'd like to see my movements all mapped out in lights and the length of time i gaze.
Follow. The. Line.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Today i am going to tidy my messy bedroom, my clothes, bags on the floor. I am going to clean my dirty shoes.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I like it when foreign singers and bands mispronouce english words in their songs because it doesn't seem wrong, it's just a whole new made up word.
I went to Nottingham and didn't get shot, i got ill. Again. I've been ill since Christmas so my mum sent me a package with paracetemol and these pills i used to take a few years ago that help to boost your immune system and some liqourice from Holland and Barratt and a cheque to have lunch out somewhere nice when i feel better. The pills are green and funny-looking in their little plastic capsuals and on the phone i say "they'll think you're trying to smuggle me drugs". I think about Clare in Hollyoaks tampering with Max's pills.
I wrote about Channel 4 and Hollyoaks and their documentries about too fat people and too thin people and what i should and shouldn't wear and how i should decorate my house and where i should go on holiday on the blog i have to keep for my course. I've posted a few few entries but i hate them all so i'm not going to mention the address.
I've got to choose what i want to specialise in next year soon. I am scared.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Remembering last summer from the word grass. Warm evenings in summer dresses, sitting in the courtyard under the dying sun. The words grass and blue skies and sundays and beer gardens on the tips of my fingers, the tip of my tongue like the heat of the air. Memories of being free spirits and happy spirits and glad to be alive spirits.
Upon trying to decide whether to grow my hair longer or get it cut shorter. Getting new jeans i've wanted forever, magazines in my bedroom. I feel fed up and sad too much.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Last night, i dream i am at a fantastic magazine launch party and there are lots of celebrities. They say: "we are youthful, we wear gold lame tunics over glittery leggings and our hair is curly and blonde and we have expensive handbags." I see Kirsten Dunst and Nicole Kidman, who is very short but i know she is actually very tall, and i wear a Chanel dress with voile as i drink in brightly lit toilets.
Really, last night, i went out and got injured. He laughs "have you been in some sort of fight, does someone hate you?" I had a tequila slammer before that. I walk home, with bare feet on the cool pavement.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I read, in my book from christmas day, that it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep, so i guess that makes me more than average, or perhaps less than average.
I woke up in a bad mood and last night i was hoping i would wake up in a good mood because i wanted change and i had my morning planned out down to the lighting and the warmth and the sounds. Instead, i have a cold and the weather is that grey that steals the colour from everything else.
I want to go out tonight, because i'm afraid of a lot of things just now, but i'm not afraid of the dark and being between smoke and colours and bodies and just sitting at a table is where i feel most comfortable, even if that's only because i can hide within the very air and pretend i'm like everyone else for a while. We can do our grown up drinking thing again and then some not so grown up drinking knotted around us being the very best that we can be.
We walk along these empty paths, you and i.
Monday, January 29, 2007
An echo of the summer in colder climates, i drift around disturbing airspace.
"I tried to notice everything, because i wanted to be able to remember it perfectly."
Saturday, January 13, 2007
A quick trip into town turns into all day shopping and buying nice clothes and a new belt. It turns into dinner in the pub with a pint which turns into me and A staying for another drink, a bottle of wine and then Wetherspoons for a shot of Baileys in a belgian chocolate cup. That turns into gin, with a lime. It turns into her spilling juice all over my carpet, not on my clothes. My bedroom smells of orange and pineapple. I text her from my bed and i say "my room stinks, you clumsy fucker."
Friday, January 05, 2007
I'm just writing for the sake of writing, because i'm unsettled and feel like packing and folding paper and organising even though it's half past three in the morning. I'm not even tired. I have five copies of The Guardian to read through, i'm writing notes in red pen about international journalism. I draw a moustache on a terrorist and then glasses on Tony Blair and a text message i don't want to forget goes under Thursday.
I thought about school today. I want its simplicity. I think about nights when i couldn't sleep before school, that didn't matter because my mother always woke me up in the mornings anyway. I remember breakfast at the table in the kitchen, and it still being dark outside and the clothes i used to wear. I remember A Streetcar Named Desire and think about round, pastel coloured hat boxes and rectangular shoe boxes filled with crinkled pink tissue paper and shoes studded with diamonds that sparkle and the tissue paper russles when you touch it. I remember doing homework at my desk with the lamp on, and in particular a rainy saturday afternoon, in the autumn, home from a ballet lesson and how i did artwork and my floor was covered in paper and paints and cups of water and i'd get trapped in the corner, sitting on the floor, surrounded by all the colours.
I remember that project i did, when i took photographs of everything i did for a day. Brushing my hair, eating, every lesson i didn't go to, my walk home and my evening, dinner, everytime i made a cup of tea. It made me think of him, how long ago he was.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
One of my favourite things about Neighbours is the kids, who are about twelve, (so eighteen in real life) and how they just waltz in and out of their houses with no explanation.
"Bye Susan!" (I'm just off to do some crazy, practically illegal plan of Bree's, or to hang out with my much older sister's topless model friends.)
"See ya Zeke!"
Monday, January 01, 2007
Christmas and New Year both passed by uneventufully, i wore my new dress and heels and a jacket that didn't match. It was very windy. It's five days until i go back up north with shiny new things for my bedroom and i'll go out on saturday night. I'm still tired all of the time. My sister is being really nice, her hair is brown instead of blonde again. I do it all for you. Everything's for you, baby, baby. Baby baby you're really the best.
My New Years resolution, (if you could call it that, i'm not really one for resolutions) is EFFORT. Which is something i kid myself about every week in which i achieve nothing, or every time i have a bad night out. This means effort with university work, my general attitude and aiming for more optimism and, more importantly, effort with people. I'm too good at cutting people out, like those paper snowflakes. Those i once spoke to regularly fall away through all the gaps.
I received such a good phonecall last night, at half past seven in my house trying to do up the tiny buckles on my shoes, in the car with my mum, standing at the bus stop with the wind whipping away words. So many stories interrupted with "yeah... yeah i do... i'll have double vodka lime and lemonade."
now now now now now now now now BOY
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
She says: "Does ______ not talk anymore?"
"So Mary waited for the day; and, when it came, the long hours stretched interminably before her; and every minute was an hour and every hour a particle of eternity itself."
Monday, December 18, 2006
What the fuck is you gonna do about it?
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I got the bombs to make you blow.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Tell you what i'll do, i'll break your face in two.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Christmas for under £3.
Trying for smiles and all that.
What the fuck is this? Oh it's the BASS.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
It's Club Tropicana. There's palm trees and pineapples and cocktails in the living room. There's a stage and an island and fireworks and seahorses in sparkling glasses. There's Wham and Frankie Goes To Hollywood and Cindy Lauper and Mr. T.
This morning there's streamers hanging from the doors, on the floor, in a trail up the stairs. There's silver streamers in my bed, party poppers on my bed and a flourescent green glowstick around my wrist and my JACKY SAYS RELAX t-shirt.
Friday, December 01, 2006
1st of December?
Fuck.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Mourning begins now. I'll probably lie in my bed and listen to the Voodoo Child remix and wear even more black than usual and maybe i'll stop eating for a while or something, because i'll be too sad and isn't that something people in mourning do? I'll become a mere shadow of my former self until Paul begins to seek revenge on Max.
Here are the notes i wrote on my phone last night, for a gig review:
"Megaphone best in the business"
"Test the water, new single. Straight after pride. Came out yesterdby. New single, second to last. Breakdown bit. Last son poisonou emblem. All .soup clasping. Megaphone"
I'm going to watch Neighbours at lunchtime, because she's colouring her hair tonight, in the living room, and i know i won't be able to hear Cameron's last, dying words. I hope he doesn't die.
This morning all the bones in my right arm have fallen out of the skin of my right arm. I have no right arm. It feels like growing pains i got when i was a child. I don't want to grow anymore. Last night i dreamt my friend came to visit me from leeds, because his mum told him to and i was taller than him and i'm sure i never used to be taller than him so maybe i am growing.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Realising when to stop, i give my vodkaandvodkaandvodkaandlemonade to a boy because he is dancing to a song i like, and knows the words.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
BORO GUNS are fucking ace.
I wear my long black coat and my big gold hoop earrings and i have messy hair. She sips vanilla coffee and shows me a picture and says "i feel like a little girl."
I say "i feel like a mess, in this coffee shop."
"You look like a mess."
My big cup of tea is warm in my hands, it's practically a bowl, and we laugh about Beyonce.
"Someone didn't put daddy's guns away, someone's got to clear up that dead mess. Oooh beyonce, beyonce baby."
Metal stairs, electric shocks, static eighties tops.
I think my phone might be a bit broken, like my poor camera. I suppose you could use that sentence as some kind of metaphor or something, ha ha ha. But I’m not.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
So where is this place anyway? Well, it's in a secret location.
It's a raaaaaaaaaaaaaaave daaaaaaaaaaaaaave.
Two nights now i haven't been able to turn off my brain at night. I lie a warm cocoon and my body tells me it's time to sleep. My pillows are white and gold.
I think about whether i'd ever be brave enough or crazy enough, in my favourite crazy girl in an old novel kind of way, to dare to do something i really want. But i'd need other people along for the ride and maybe it's just selfishness.
I think i rely on A. for a lot of things i shouldn't do. I don't know if she knows, but we sit on the train and i say "from here the city looks like how i imagine settings of Charles Dickens novels look from the countryside, grey smog and haze." We see a rainbow over a valley through the window, and our reflections.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
It's always raining here, the leaves have turned to mush. L says "they remind me of cornflakes when you leave them in the milk for too long and they go all soft."
On saturday i got caught in the rain, i gave up any attempt to stay dry and trudged to the bus stop to sit and shiver to angry music and pieces of paper. I shiver a lot. Single mums with soverign rings and pushchairs for accessories kept me company. My hair dripped rivers down my cheeks.
Monday, November 06, 2006
We've got to write blogs for my course now, and update them weekly. My first post must be "A feature written about a journalism site you have found and regularly visited. How often do they update? What will your focus be? Think about your title..." etc.
If we write anything the Nazis don't like we get a stern talking to and our posts are deleted. "Remember we are trusting you, your site can be seen all over the web." All i want to say is hey, i have a blog already you know. Here are my
real opinions.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
The smell of fireworks in the air, coloured lights and a full moon and a smile because that kind of thing makes me feel happy.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I. When it rains i sit and watch drops of water travel down the electicity lines outside my bedroom window.
II. "Writing for pleasure you wouldn't let me read, things you miss out when you try to mislead, you said you wrote a page about me in your diary."
III. Ummm...?
Monday, October 02, 2006
In the library i think people sit and watch what i am typing.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Get a mortgage get fat never look back.
Singalongsingalongsingalongsingalong.
Monday, September 04, 2006
I sleep late. I spend the day drawing.
I keep on rolling the die and i keep on rolling zero.
Sunday. I don't feel like a person, more of an empty shell. Last night was good because i came home late and i got into bed and i felt tired and sleepy and i dreamt about one of my favourite people.
Tonight i am not tired and i listen to a cd, then my mp3 payer, then a different cd and then back to my mp3 player again, pressing repeat over and over (repeat: over and over: repeat) on one of my favourite songs.
Friday, September 01, 2006
The best birthday presents are a month late and book shaped.
"Then - they saw the Groke. Everybody saw her. She sat motionless on the sandy path at the bottom of the steps and stared at them with round, expressionless eyes. She was not particularly big and didn't look dangerous either, but you felt that she was terribly evil and would wait for ever. And
that was awful."
Monday, August 28, 2006
She's back now, so we'll probably go to the pub on wednesday, or go and see K and sit on his tree swing in the garden and drink juice. I've loved her this summer, i feel like we've re-captured everything again, in the way that only we can.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
There's a storm outside, dark and flashes of lightning and pouring with rain. In my little room i feel safe and warm.
Life in a glasshouse.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Just listening
and
just alive
Friday, August 11, 2006
I can't sleep. I'm so, so sick of not being able to sleep at nights. I already write about sleep deprivation a great deal of the time. (I say 'a great deal' rather that 'a lot' because i always remember my english teacher's voice in my head: "a lot is too colloquial, it is better to say a great deal.")
So here i am, sick and not tired. Haha. I was listening to one of my favourite albums to fall asleep to, drifting off, when i starting thinking about something i just had to write down. I got out of bed to get a notebook, tripped over some birthday presents my mother had left on my floor, (really i mean she put them there and i was meant to put them away but haven't) and broke a box. This was a mistake because now i'm wide awake. Or maybe i'm kidding myself because i feel exhausted, i just can't fucking sleep.
I'm reading old emails from last summer. Happy correspondance that's full of excited words i read really, really quickly in my head because they're about good times and all the joy has come rushing out in a collection of !'s and spazzing and high fives and xxxxxx's.
I want someone to be awake with. Awake and seeing things with me.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I walk into the kitchen and all of a sudden five large cakes have appeared wrapped up in tinfoil on the breakfast table. It turns out my mum is having a "coffee and cakes" afternoon
at our house tomorrow to raise money for the church.
I'm sure everyone who knows me can imagine how much i'm looking forward to this. Really. Just imagine. I'm sure you can hear me sighing through your speakers.
Klaxonsklaxonsklaxons make me want to dancedancedance.
I'm a rubbish guest, i just lie on the floor with a pillow because i don't feel well and i can't be bothered holding my head up, and ask for toast and juice. We're planning a BBQ, not at her house, not at my house, at his house, only he doesn't know it yet. It's going to be great, i'm sure. We watched tv, it was just like lying on the floor at home, which is underrated, if you ask me.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
All my clothes look better lying on my bed, hanging in my wardrobe, on other people. I hate all my clothes.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Reduce the temperature.
There was a punch on the kitchen worktop, made of vodka and skittles, with the green ones taken out. They were in a bowl on the table so we ate them; we can't afford a pizza. Where's the bottle opener? Everyone was in the mood for fun so we waxed A's leg and chest and hid from J under a blanket on the sofa because she didn't know i was going to be there. The night was full of surprises - the budgie died so it was buried in the garden with a ceremony and a cross. D turned up with the biggest St Bernard dog i've ever seen.
It was grey morning light as we walked home and went to the garage for ribena and chocolate bars that no one wanted, along that road we used to joke about going on forever.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I love my winter coat, lots of wool and black and buttons. I wish it were winter so i could wear it, all wrapped up. I'll probably hate it by the time November comes and want some leather type thing.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
THIS is just for the build-up, the dramatic. The "we hold on. So
tight."
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Dear lord, there's a programme on tv where people are trying to teach dogs to dance.
Did i ever mention my mum has sponsored a guide (puppy)dog called Farrell? He's a guide dawwwwg.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
It's like some crazy British attempt at a hurricane outside, clouds and wind and the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
the raindrops
Saturday, July 15, 2006
There's a great deal of talk of journals and journals and journals and i've realised this one has very much become a place for all the little things. Things like getting my hair cut, buying a coat and some eyeliner that cost 94p in the sale, and sport relief and my opinions on certain characters in soaps and on reality tv shows. Things like my dad getting this new, super digital camera that's probably smaller than my mobile phone. Things like how it's one rule for some people and another rule for me.
Hi fans, how are you? Enjoying the sunny weather i hope.
I'm getting to the stage where i quite desperately need a new diary but i am poor. So, someone buy me one? An academic one for August 2006 - August 2007 or there abouts. Preferably week to view, A5 kind of size and with a nice plain cover, maybe black or grey, nothing garish and no irritating cartoons or quotes.
Thanks, you're all just great.
Love jacky xxxxx
Thursday, July 13, 2006
"'Thank you,' said Winnit. 'What is it?'
'It's my heart.'
'But it's made of stone.'
'I know,' the raven replied sadly."
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I don't understand why Hollyoaks doesn't win more awards.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
For the first time in a long time i ironed out my hair properly with ye olde straightners and succeeded in burning part of the bleached bit. Something smells like burning, my sister asks what the smell is, i notice part of my hair has turned a strange colour and so she cuts it off. My hair still smells a little bit like burning or something that has been burnt or straw or something. I've decided to get it cut. Professionally, not me trimming it and snipping away with nail scissors. I was thinking about a bob.
The fact i just wrote a whole and fairly substantial paragraph about burning my hair could tell you something about what has been happening in my life since the weekend. I've got two potential summer job offers pending the results of interviews and the filling in of forms, but all this has done has made me realise that i don't want a job because i don't want those pieces of string tied to my wrists and my ankles holding me to this house and this town. How am i going to continue to go to the big smoke regularly and visit other people if i'm working full time? Yet i need money to pay for these adventures.
It's my birthday pretty soon, 24 days until i leave teenage years forever and ever amen.
Friday, June 30, 2006
It's the sound, of revolution in the bedroom.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I went to Northampton today, my sister took her driving theory test. She passed with flying colours, as i knew she would. The dismally failed hazard perception test yesterday was just a fluke. I wasn't a happy chappy, it was sunny and i was all hot and lethargic. There was a nice dress i wanted, dark purple and long and lady diana-ish, and a white top
thing. But all i bought was a bottle of 7up, which i instantly regretted when i noticed they had ace fruity smoothies in those plastic beaker/cup things with a hole for the straw you see cafe types strutting around with.
I'm probably going back to London again this weekend, (because i've been infected by music and the possibility of actually having a good night out) and some festival malarky the weekend after. Come one, come all, we'll have a party.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Come with me come with me, we'll travel to infinity.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
You know what's really funny? Like har har hahahahahaha?
That i do nothing to help myself.
I'm a whirlwind of destruction!
What the ________________________________ fuck?
Monday, June 19, 2006
It didn't rain. I sit at the table and eat cheese flan and salad and little potatoes and apple and blackberry pie and chocolate cake and i'm just sick of answering the same questions of "how is university going are you enjoying it have your learnt anything where are you living next year?" "fine yes i love it hah (false laugh) i hope so in a house with six others it's a nice house."
And i know people are just being nice, showing an interest.
I have a headache and i'm sitting in bed under the covers, pulled right up under my chin and i'm listening to music in my headphones so it's all a secret.
There's a dead deer at the end of our road. My sister goes to her boyfriend's house, he's working at Wireless festival this week and so are some of our other friends and so am i.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
mmm-tsss mmm-tsss mmm-tsss mmm-tsss.
How do you write the sound of a drum machine?
So yeah, i'm listening to some music and trying to think of something to get my Dad for father's day. My sister and i had a very good idea but Asda let us down after we'd driven there and she bought shoes with bows on them and a pink dress but no present. Marks and Spencer let us down yesterday too, so it's back to the drawing board. Speaking of drawing, i did make him an excellent card featuring a very old photograph that he probably hoped would never see the light of day.
We're having some kind of family barbeque/lunch affair tomorrow. I've got to drive round and pick up my grandparents so that my grandad can have a drink. What if i want a drink? I think i'm going to need one.
When we came out of Asda, Rachel with her new shoes and clothes and me moaning about how hot it was, i noticed the purple storm clouds looming and thought how funny it would it be if it rains on the lunch tomorrow.
crazycrazycrazycrazycrazy
she
makes
me.
("these contradictions are tiring me")
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
It's cold today, isn't it? There's a whisper through my hair.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I've been ill. I've been asleep. We are sleeping.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
FULL STOP.
Friday, June 02, 2006
The way things used to be, of stuffy shops and my favourite magazines and all those discs in the packets that never bend, like scratchy surfaces and smooth skin.
"She is the rain,
waits in it for you,
finds blood spotting her legs
from the long ride."
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Today:
She's going. My contact lenses are sliding from my eyes. I woke up too early this morning and cut my hair. My sister is coming to stay.
Monday, May 29, 2006
I started to actually write something of substance last night, (at my favourite time to write, 2am when i can't sleep) from an idea that has been floating around in my head for a few days now. It's crap. I am not made of substance, i'm just no conversation and no ideas.
I'm useless at feeling good.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
I am the only one left in my flat now. I like it. I imagine this is what it'll be like to live alone in my own house, old, crazy and resenting the world.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Hip hop. Metal. Hardhouse. Pop art. Pop art.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I'm also addicted to a really stupid but fun internet game that involves killing little farm animals. The farm animals include teddy bears and an orange octopus. Pop pop pop. (And that could be my brain cells popping, not the animals dying.)
Amy and i could give Joe on Hollyoaks some money making ideas.
There's gin in my letterbox and i locked myself out of my room so i call her and say "i can't get into my bedroom." While i'm eating cereal she comes round and i say "my door is jammed shut, look" and i turn the handle and the door opens. Such is life.
Neighbourssimpsonshollyoaks. I like that cute blonde girl, Reece's sister.
Monday, May 22, 2006
No more shit now, i promise.
The things/days that mean the most are more difficult to write about than those times when i'm just creating some imaginary life for myself to exist in.
She left on saturday. One down four to go etc and then there were three. I didn't get sad. Maybe i should have. My mum called me this morning, about some trivial form i'm supposed to have filled in and i told her that everyone was leaving. She says "You do know you're just going to have to try and make the most of what you've got at home over the summer don't you? It's up to you to make the effort so you're not just... bored all the time."
'Bored' is the wrong word, we both know what she really means.
I don't care about much of anything these days. Going through the motions.
"Sometimes at the weekends we meet up at our favourite cafe ... hold out your hand and feel my brain burns."
Maybe it's not that i don't care about much of anything, maybe it's that i have just started to care about myself. (When really all i've ever cared about is myself, which got me into the state i am in the first place.) Now there's someone i can be around, someone who turns me back into the person i miss being. It might just be that i need to make more of an effort.
This is another awful collection of words. Perhaps i could talk about recording friends singing primary school songs and mountains of white chocolate with cream and books and eating (throwing) strawberry cheerios and breaking cocktail glasses and tattoos and and and and and... umbrellas? Things that are fun, and good. FUNANDGOOD. And how loud the cars are outside my window because everywhere is so quiet apart from the rain and my music.
Cosmetics for aesthetics.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
entry
entry
entry
entry
entry
I need to learn some new words, how many times did i repeat myself in that last entry?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
This is one of those entries i hardly ever write, except in my diary to remind myself. This is one of those "i did this and i did that" entries. Because i've been having a reasonable time of late, which makes a change from goddamn awful.
Tonight, after an episode of Green Wing that wasn't as good as the keyboard episode (although there were of course some excellent moments... D for... Dog's DDDDicks) we decided to go out and were accompanied by a local boy who wouldn't leave us alone and decided to "bounce along" with us while his four friends trailed behind. We had to go to the awful end-of-year halls party to escape and wait for the bouncers to usher them away. It was quite frightening although my writing leaves a lot to be desired and doesn't really create an accurate picture of what it was like being followed by a group of boys who look and act as if they're ready to rape you at any moment. The Warehouse was good, there was some excellent, excellent music, a few good people and some shots of vodka to help things along. They played Simian, which reminds me of my sister, and Q And Not U.
I rode a bike in the rain, played my favourite game of ridiculing certain unsuspecting flatmates, ("I only like wafer thin cheese" "Really C___? Do you like wafer thin ham? Do you like wafers? Do you like thin people? Would you eat some cheese if it was thick?") and generally thought about the fact i'm going home in about two weeks. I don't like to say, but the words "i don't really want to go back" are a bit of an understatement. I don't want to have to go back to being that person i have managed to escape from for the majority of this year, that person who for the past 3 years of my life has always been ready to jump out with a sharp object at the most miniscule thing.
Yesterday involved rain, random pubs and a great deal of Black Wire coupled with a great deal of alcohol. And when i say a great deal of alchohol i mean jumping from chairs and hanging from shelves and sitting down, cross-legged in the middle of a road in the rain to eat chips after a night out, the majority of which, has been almost completely erased from my memory by vodka. I got a job handing out flyers (but i didn't really) and aquired a Strokes sticker on my arm that i was horrified to discover when i woke up this morning because i have no idea where it came from. I stole a pen from the DJ, i was given drinks by randomers all night and i got in on the guestlist thanks to seeing Black Wire at Action Records that afternoon.
I'm probably (read: definately) a bit drunk now to be honest.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
There is somebody walking around my halls of residence with a megaphone.
You know it makes sense.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I'm all scraps of paper and pens and notes to myself at the moment because the words don't seem to want to stay in my head. Which is good, because i thought i was all dried up. And they're not even words that really make much sense, but they mean something.
Notes on my phone, to remind me:
The way our legs look at the bar
"...and scarfs to bind about their heads... bondage"
"You seem like maybe you're too intense for this world"
Damaged heron
Echo and the Bunnymen
"You seem to have a great deal more motivation than i do, more get up and go"
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I spilt my perfume and it's giving me a headache, my head is rushing. When i walk into the pub tonight i'm going to enter with a waft of scent.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I've got just this one last essay to do, and i can't concentrate, even more so than usual. (And i can get distracted extremely easily.) Today i read though what i'd written so far and realised how awful most of it was, so i got rid of a couple of hundred words. I didn't even highlight and delete, i backspaced through the lot because seeing all those little letters being eaten up was my way of punishing myself for writing so badly and telling myself to sort it out.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Buying very cheap books from Amazon has become my new favourite thing to do these past few days. It's like i see a book and i can't stop myself typing in my card number, which i know off by heart. I noticed yesteday that the last book i bought has the words "easyjet.com lastminute.com" scribbled on the back page. I like that, i like the idea that those aeroplane websites meant something to someone and perhaps they were planning a holiday. The first thing i ever bought from Amazon, i think, was a White Stripes album.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
First. Last night, walking down the stairs i see a boy, hear a boy saying "believe your own hype always!" In a drunken tangle i say "Elle Milano!" and he shows me his t-shirt. Suddenly we're friends for moment and we sing a few lines of "ooo beyonce, beyonce baby"
...
(You died in your armchair watching Star Trek and He-Man, you died in your armchair watching Star Trek and He-Man.)
Second. I don't think my body likes the amount of alcohol i've consumed recently. My essay my essay my essay! But i can barely concentrate today, it's like i'm falling apart or my limbs haven't quite attatched themselves to my brain correctly.
Third. Irn Bru 32... GENIUS.
Fourth. "Crayon snaps in the plaster cracks..."
Thursday, May 04, 2006
AAAARRRRRRRESSST yourself
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
"The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past."
William Faulkner.
I've mostly been holed up in my little room, churning out another awful assignment, so going for a walk in the sun today, with my skirt on, will be nice.
Refreshing.The thing is, i can frequently be heard saying "i don't really care about work, as long as i get 40% to pass." But in reality, i do care, quite a lot. Because it could just be 6th form and my not-as-good-as-they-could-be A level results all over again. I suppose you could say i'm sick of my attitude towards things getting in the way of what i know i can actually do.
My book arrived this morning. As in... the book i ordered at 3pm yesterday. How did it get here so quickely? Well done, Royal Mail, wonders will never cease.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
How many A-levels does it take to build the world?
Today i bought a book from Amazon for 1p.
Clothes are hanging up at my window like ghosts.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
We sat in the kitchen and said nothing, staring out of the window while i ate my sandwich. There's a new building i've never noticed before, then i realised, i never said at the time but it's the building with the scaffolding, the tunnel underneath to walk under, the tunnel i was walking under on friday night and it seemed like a dream because i was staring at it with my eyes open and it just stretched further and further no matter how far along it i walked.
I'm writing about World Dance Day, it's awful. Maybe i'll go and make some tea.
My music is full of beeps and squiggles, it's freaking me out a little, i like it.
Monday, April 24, 2006
It's really sunny today, Claire and i wore sunglasses. We got free Subway with the card full of stamps i found on the floor of the Prince and it made me feel sick because i drank my lemonade too fast. Claire's lemonadeanddietcoke drink made her cold, she had goosebumps.
We shop in Aldi, but we don't look like we shop in Aldi, although the bags are a dead giveaway.
I think i have stopped liking someone. Instead i have gone back to loving those same people (that same person) all over again. This happens every single time.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
you can keep your brains if you can get away
you can keep your brains if you can get away
you cankeep your brains if you can getaway
youcankeep your brains if youcanget
.........................away
youcankeep
..............your brains
..............ifyoucangetaway
youcankeepyourbrainsifyoucangetaway
youcankeepyourbrainsifyoucangetaway
youcankeepyourbrainsifyoucangetaway
Envelopes and fireballs.
I'm thinking about wednesday. We went for Chinese and ate a lot of food as usual. I think it reminded me of school and why we are friends even though we are very different now. Last night we were 15 years old again. We put salt in the water and nearly set the place on fire. The couple siting opposite us were dead, when they moved i said "the dead people just moved, they're creepy" and they were, their faces were white and they sat very still the whole time, occasionally sipping their wine. When i got home i wrote a message to Sarah that said "I'm so, so full i think i am going to die. Chinese food will be the death of me." Perhaps Chinese food was the death of that couple too. I laughed so much i almost cried and my ribs and my sides and my back hurt. We had pregnancy stomachs.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I have a headache and i've started biting my nails again. I'm
copying reading interviews in magazines.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Some of my favourite clothes are missing in action so i’m wearing a jumper that used to belong to my grandmother. It is pink and reversible and has a black picture of Mickey Mouse on it. This reminds me of last week when i went to Northampton. In one shop they had a second hand clothes section and hanging on the rail was a dress that my Grandma owns. She is 84 and she still wears it in the summer, it’s an old lady style summer dress and i could have bought it and be wearing the same clothes as my Grandma. My hair looks a bit of a mess today but i quite like it. I wish it were longer, but i’m thinking about cutting it short.
Deux hot dogs moutade chou.
Currently i love the new adverts for Popworld with Alex and Alexa. I'm learning the dance in my living room.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Ultimately i'm trying to write about how i sort of skirt around my mother, and miss my sister because she's so different even though she hasn't changed and things between us are the same, if not better than always and she's my best friend. My other friends are mostly a bit tangled up, i'm making a mess of being back this easter, so sorry for that, R. I think about C quite a lot, and i'm glad she's nearby because suddenly she's become... wow.
At the moment i am listening to new Jack White (it is very good) and eating some chipsticks. I think chipsticks, along with space raiders, have gone out of fashion apart from in our flat at university. Even though i am not at university just now. I am eating chipsticks because they are a break from chocolate. I have been making chocolate recipes both because it is Easter and seems appropriate and because i am terribly bored and am putting off writing news stories for which i have no inspiration and am beginning to panic. Reletives keep saying "do you have a lot of work?" and i always say no, not really, because i didn't. Except now i do because i'd rather spend my time watching The Apprentice and Green Wing and being stupid throwing bottles around clubs and nearly getting thrown out.
I made a cake, which was excellent and some fridge cake which was even more excellent apart from having to leave it in the fridge for 12 hours before i could eat any. My Dad liked the fridge cake, he ate a lot of it and when i went to get some on Sunday after a reunion at the pub of bad music and good friends it was all gone.
It saddens me, in a way, that i'm only home with people i've known practically my whole life for two weeks yet i'm so bored and just waste a great deal of my time here.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Back to the drag of life back home and after a brilliant last two weeks at university life here seems slower than ever. My parents bought me a record player so i can spin a few tunes, although it's mostly just interpol singles because all of the records i bought (despite not actually having anything to play them on at the time) are in Preston.
P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-PPPPRRREESSSTON!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
This post isn't about Radiohead tickets.
(I love the feeling of satisfation that i have something she wants.)
I can't believe i forgot to write about this. I woke up on saturday morning at 8:45, crawled out of bed and turned on my computer and sat refreshing the ticketmaster page until Radiohead tickets went on sale at 9am.
Blackpool here i come.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Everyone always talks about the weather and it used to be something that came up in conversation when you couldn't think of anything else to talk about. Now everyone talks about the weather because it always rains and it's always cold and i bet even in july people are constantly armed with umbrellas.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
(Thank god for that.)
(Turn that music down. It's too loud and it's terrible and it's vibrating through my walls. I can hear it over my own thoughts inside my head.)
Friday, March 24, 2006
I found some recipies in a magazine that my mum sent me. They tell you how to make lots of really nice things involving chocolate so i might try actually cooking something on sunday. They're meant to be Valentines day recipes, but no matter. I'm also going to make rice krispie cakes, because they're so easy yet taste so good. Apart from Manky Delights.
Pretending to be a moose. We are girls because we all put some beads on.
There's only so much
twee i can stand.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I've just realised Anne Summers didn't get back to me or Amy about jobs. Bastards. Who wants to work with a load of underwear and vibrators anyway.
In the Oxfam bookshop N bought a copy of Harry Potter for £1.99. I was going to buy a Maisie the Mouse sticker book but the stickers had already been stuck in so what's the point of that? It sits on the windowsill outside so perhaps i'll just run by and steal it one day, like when we steal tomato ketchup from the pub, (who might or might not have my cancer victim hat and won't give it back) but it seems wrong stealing from a charity shop. I am charity, i have no money.
We went to court this morning, to experience first hand what it was like to report there. All i experienced was three hours of boredom and a sore stomach because we weren't allowed to eat. I had a 5 pence lolly in my bag. Thinking about it was killing me as i sat listening to people who were granted bail on the condition they did not enter Woolworths or Staples stores in Preston. One man was in prison for theft, and on the day of his release went into town and stole a £65 Philishave razor from boots and £27 worth of food and alcohol from M&S for a party that night. He also failed to turn up to a court hearing because he had a car accident from which he suffered head injuries and memory loss. They tried to say he 'forgot' to turn up to the hearings because of the accident.
Fucking hell.
I'm up to my ears and eyes and hair in assignments, paper is piling up. Soon it will be higher than myself, however high i may be. I don't actually know. The problem is, i can't write more than about four lines at a time before i get distracted. I have such a short attention span. Maybe i could say i was in a car accident and forgot to do my work. If it works for criminals then why not?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
NO
MORE
PIZZA.
eggseggseggseggseggseggseggseggseggs and i love the word scrambled. They're squiggling around the frying pan because they can't sit still.
Last night i was a really good friend. The kind of, putting yourself out for someone else kind of friend. I'm being honest and saying i am not normally this type of person, i'm far too selfish a lot of the time. But last night i was good.
Sometimes things she says make me feel sad and like i just want to hold her and hug her for a very long time (like the other night when that song came on and we just didn't let go.) She says how much she loves and misses her, and yet it's never going to quite be the same because others just seem ambivalant, they're forgetting. She's remembering and holding on while others are skipping away.
Friday, March 17, 2006
What goes up must come down. Deflated like a balloon and the lights have stopped flashing and the room has stopped spinning. Remembering what i have been missing out on i've decided it's going to be same time next week, as long as i can cope with the next day.
This song reminds me of summer and her results day.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
My body hates me today.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It's always monday nights when we seem to get unexplainabley drunk, without actually drinking much at all. Today i am shivery and shakey and my right arm feels numb. All i want to do is eat greasy, fatty food so i ate two toasted sandwiches and they felt like the best thing i've ever tasted.
White Rose Movement were spectacular on sunday night, apart from the 80's reject dancers bobbing around next to me.
Now it is time to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Smiling today.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Ross Noble is fucking hilarious.
"It's Christopher Reeves the musical!"
I can eat more pizza in Pizza Hut than a man considerably larger than myself. He couldn't even finish his medium deep-pan pizza. I ate all of mine, plus a chocolate fudge cake dessert with cream and three refillable glasses of apple and blackcurrant juice.
Tomorrow night Amy and i are going to see White Rose Movement. "So excited that a bit of wee came out."
Friday, March 10, 2006
Actually, fuck the cereal diet.
All in all i had an excellent time, apart from the things i wish hadn't happened. Also, i didn't take advantage of the situation because i was "hammered". And that's a direct quote.
Amy asking strangers for socks to walk home in, dancing to Gnarls Barkley who reminds me of my sister, and we're shocked when we discover who is at her flat when we go home to make pizza and pick off the ham because they've got no margaritas left. He's talking about someone cutting her arms so they are running with blood.
Mock courtroom lecture at 9am, (which was a complete waste of time) and my plan was to just stay awake all night, but i fell asleep. I awoke to a grey world so i wore a grey outfit. It was a good outfit though.
Valerie and i ran to the shop.
I have dreams about text messages that i think are real and i'm still ill and without remedies or cereal. Next week we're going to start the cereal diet and i've given up crisps for lent, even though i ate some McCoys last saturday. Possibly two packets.
I just gave up and walked in the rain, eating a Twister ice lolly.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Still ill and i'm sewing up all my broken clothes with neat little stitches my mother would be proud of and i'm considering growing out my fringe.
Thinking about the people i am going to be living with next year, i like them all (there are seven of us) and i don't think there will be any difficulties but if i continue to think about it, and really consider people's personalities when compared to mine, i think the person i am most likely to have arguments and conflicts with is one of the people i get on best with. It's the wanting control and the always putting me down, which is just a funny joke but an extremely contradictory, hypocritical joke some of the time.
One of them i have fallen in love with this term.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Last term i liked uni, it was good, i enjoyed it. This term i am in love with uni and i can't believe i only have just over four weeks left before Easter.
Pink (action) Ladies go commando.
Monday, March 06, 2006
The new series of Green "have you got a hoodie?" Wing is soon to be on TV and the Judderman was on the Top 100 scariest moments, being voted the scariest advert ever.
Happy Days!
Even the greatest stars live their lives in the looking glass.
Even the greatest stars fix their face in the looking glass.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Still ill and looking terrible. Why can't i sleep?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Train station
Pub food
Tea and Harry Potter, c'mon hide your lovers underneath the covers.
Hollyoaks bar
Quizzes
Almost perfect but someone's still not sure because someone is still holding back.
Yesterday, 6am, i had two hours sleep and i go to make hot chocolate and my flatmate is asleep in the corridor with a pillow and the door to his room open and the light on. My other flatmate comes home and she's just nearly been hit by a car after going to a club full of grannies. One of the grannies is my friend Valerie.
Last term i was able to sleep into the afternoon to make up for the night times spent dancing and wandering around the streets, now i'm waking up at 10am at the latest and half past three at the earliest.
Also, after evading illness since Christmas i am now drugged up on Sudafed and Strepsils but i still drag myself to my lecture like a good student because if i can get up and spend the day with N then i can get up and spend an hour in a lecture theatre. But i get an assignment back and it's my worst mark and now i want to cry.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
On the train on a grey, beautifully miserable day. On the way back from Leeds. Villages around here are nestled in little valley after valley and are all built from the same greyish yellow brick, the same colour as the rest of the landscape. They all blend in and i think of mining towns. I imagine it would be an odd place to live, there seem to be no signs of civilisation.
On Saturday night i drank a bottle of wine and two pints and then i fell down a flight of stairs. I tumbled down to the basement room and sat in silence. "Are you ok? Are you ok?" I was fine after the initial shock, drunkeness is an invisible padding until the next morning, awaking with what is obviously brain damage, concussion, a broken jaw and a broken neck. Or perhaps just general pain in those areas of my body.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I need to start eating more than just cereal. I'm going to turn into a giant rice krispie.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
"Teenage mums, with their prams, are taking over the streets."
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
It was 53 degrees night, but with a twist. There were games and competitions like a school sports day and we decided it was only right that we took part. We were in the group wheelbarrow race - seven people instead of two creating a wheelbarrow. I was the hands at the front.
We had weeks of training to prepare ourselves, Sarah was our coach.
When race day came we were ready (afterall, we do go to the gym) and there we are, on the racetrack that they've created with fake grass and flags inside the club. Lots of people are cheering us on, we're so much better than the other team, they give us dirty looks. I have to remind my team mates "don't go too fast, my hands can't walk quickly enough and i lose my balance" and we have the philosophy that slow and steady wins the race because we spied on the other team while they were training and they were all over the place.
We're just about to start when my alarm clock wakes me up and i am confused because i feel like i should be waking up to a friday-after-the-thursday not a wednesday. The dream felt so real and i am mildly put out because i never found out if we won the race.
I reckon we did.
Small boy who does sports journalism just walked past my window. He is really small.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I applied for a job in Anne Summers today, just because i need something to occupy my time (doing something other than thinkingthinkingthinkingthinking) and because it looks like it might be a fun place to work. The existing staff frighten me though.
Monday, February 20, 2006
It is bitterly cold today. I said "i think my face is going to freeze off." My ears went numb.
I have been thinking today how my relationship with A has changed over this term. It is like we are friends now, rather than two objects lumped together in a box to see what will happen. I like it. I like how she came to check i was ok after the disaster that was thursday night. I like how easy i find it to talk to her because she is so open with me. I like how she trusts me because it means that i trust her.
It seems now that maybe thursday wasn't such a disaster after all. Although i am still finding myself lying awake for prolonged periods of time because it's taking over my brain. I get all twitchy, i can't lie still. My eyes hurt and then i can't sleep.
I saw the girl today that i think hates me because of him. I hope she does. I like it when people hate me because of futile, pointless things when they don't even know me.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
I seem to no longer need sleep. I was awake until after three last night and i still woke up again at half past nine. I had a dream about Jessica Simpson. Now it's the next day, i'm not even remotley tired, i've been reading the most boring book about journalism in the world and i'm thinking about the fact i have already been back at university for over a month and where oh where has all the time gone?
I found my purple folder with all my pages and pages of writing in it and i missed the part of me that used to be able to come out with words like that. I'd quite like it back.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I'll be back later for a proper chat.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I got a valentines day text message. Hahahahaha
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Today i have eaten a banana. I am the girl who never looses her appetite. Well, today i lost my appetite.
I am my favourite person to go shopping with.
Walking along and listening to music in my ears, loud, but just so i can still hear traffic around me, afterall, i don't want to get run over because i don't hear the car coming do i?
What a death.
Sometimes i think that maybe the shop assisstants think i can't hear them when they serve me, so i always take one earphone out when i reach the counter, just so that i don't appear ignorant.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Today we walked down a small street, it was like Quality Street. 14 terrace houses in two neat rows either side of a small cobbled road and some skeletal winter trees. This is where we are going to live next year, Amy and i have our hearts set on it. We will have a 'home sweet home' welcome mat and mis-matched crockery.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I have very bad hiccups.
They hurt my stomach.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Today i did a very stupid thing. It was a very un-Jacqueline Farrer type of thing. But it ended up ok, i suppose. I am thinking about it quite a lot, when really i guess i don't especially need to.
Think think think think.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
When i rest my head on the table i can feel it moving. The desk shivers, i can feel the music vibrating through my brain. It's nice and cool. The temperature is cool. It's cold.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Shake, shake the stars down.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
One of my favourite things is when i know something, and she doesn't know i know.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
fuckshitfuck
fuckshitfuck
fuck
shit
fuck
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Fondness never played a role like this
They knew the bruises start to show
Ducking shells was never my idea
Tried but I stopped trying
Sucking hard for sympathy
We've got treatment, we've got city slick
Messages on the 'hush-hush'
Machines can't work, this thing's got skin
Magazine and liars
Hooks and chains to tear you down
We hold on so tight
But we already know
You flicker, sparkle
You twinkle at me
All bitter and clean
On. Off. On.
We're dull and stupid and we're caged in glass
Keeping tallies, charts and graphs
So set your hands alight and watch them flap
We can keep on talking
If you can keep on telling lies
We fly our flags by night
All bored and shredded up
We're keeping you on track
We keep you alive
We're just at your side
On. Off. On.
The cable's frayed, the timber's burned
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I'm typing because i am bored out of my brain.
Monday, December 19, 2005
There is a part of my wall where the plaster peeled away and it looks like a country, the shape of a continent geographically moulded into my bedroom. Sometimes i sit and wonder what it would be called, and what that nation would be like if it were real. Part of me really wants it to be another world, with its uneven shoreline and a large lake in the center.
Take a look at your friends, as they cut their throats.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
It was the last night, we were dressed as fairies with wings and sparkles and we had just won the pub quiz. I saw M, he came up to me and as he hugged me he said "So what's going on with you and N then eh? I've seen you." There was a glint in his eye and as i denied everything my insides were dancing and my brain was thinking "yesyesyesyesyes!"
I imagine a time after that lecture, when we talk about food, drinking milk and the lion holding the banana that is sitting on your leg in black biro.
"You're on the wrong course clearly."
That was real.
Then i cook, we're in my kitchen and as you consume your pizza we talk about thursday nights and how great it is that you have money again and how in the last week before christmas you left me all alone. Just like her, she always leaves me alone.
"Cocaine for horses but not for men, doctor say it'll kill you but he don't say when."
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Another dawn, another day.
I watched Stepford Wives and it made me think. It's like Stepford Wives, the whole thing, the whole relationship. Mind control, brainwashing, it's just that not everyone can see it. At first no one catches on, then you start to notice the little things, the bits that don't seem quite right, the decisions made, the things they say. Like the personality is slowly being driven out of them.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
For some unknown reason my contact lenses are making my eyes all itchy. I want to scratch my eyes out. Blink blink. Scratch scratch. It's like when you poke yourself in the eye, and the feeling just doesn't go away.
In other news: i am back home. Delightful.
Monday, December 12, 2005
black star says:
are they actually good then? or are you being you
black star says:
i was going to put sarcastic but.. that is u
I have two christmas cards and a pretty pink envelope that has gone awol. Lost in the world of the royal mail, amongst the other letters and messages and cards and packages and the sorting office. I imgaine sorting letters must be a soul destroying job.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Triple word score and the Su Du-Ko craze.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Almost time to go home for Christmas. It is difficult to comprehend how a year has passed me by already. Time is playing his tricks again. And christmas, last year... so much has changed since then.
Tongue chewed off, and head in books.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Today i do not feel too good. I thought maybe it was just because of last night, but the feeling has lasted well into the evening and as it is now ten to nine i think i am maybe succuming to the attack of viruses.
Last night i met an excellent person, the first new face at university that understands.
I made a christmas card shaped like a tree, decorated with tin foil and i'm going to put it through a letter box later.
Monday, December 05, 2005
It is raining and grey and eerie outside. Valerie, who wants to be Sarah Beany, sat on my bed and i sat on floor, trying to iron all my crumpled skirts on a towel. It was like we were sitting in a cacoon, a minature time capsule. The world was passing by silently outside and we were oblivious to it, quiet in my room with the cream walls which are now stark and bare due to the room inspection on wednesday. Some big cracks of paint flaked of when i pulled down my photographs of Laura and i in our 6th form toilets. So i carefully saved the pieces of paint and stuck them back onto the wall with some superglue.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
There has been an absence of interesting things happening in my life at the moment. I got my first assignment back, i got a shockingly good mark.
Liberty X turned on the Preston chirstmas lights, we went to see them and shouted "Jessica! Jessica!" and became the rowdy teenagers that always ruin things for the little kids.
We continue to lose the pub quiz. However, i was given a bottle of wine just for handing my quiz sheet and biro back to the quizmaster.
Last night i went to a black tie and diamonds cocktail party. Everyone looked rather beautiful and sparkly and we had glow sticks so we could do some chav pointing in our posh clothes. The way home Amy and i got chased by a man who kep saying "Ooo i like you. Ooo i like you." We had to hide in a taxi company building and then a kebab shop before we managed to sneak away and run all the way back to our halls. I was scared because i thought Amy had asthma. But it's ok, because she doesn't.
Today i am going to start assignment numero deux. I have two books out of the library and everything, so i am attempting to put myself in the right frame of mind. Good mind = good assignment. However, it's half past two, i only got up half an hour ago and i've basically just got out of bed and plonked myself in front of my computer. So i predict i will write about one line. Which will be the title.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Claire and i went to see Sons and Daughters. On the way home we talked about Barbie dolls and being the stars of our pre-adolescent school plays.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Today, in my newsgathering workshop, we learnt how to search for things using google. I am really starting to wonder "what is the point?" Again. However, whilst searching i thought to myself, i wonder if i can search for my blog? So i did. And i found a website that found my blog last year and said they liked it. Which made me feel quite good about myself for about a minute.
I also bought an ace red belt from a stall in my student's union yesterday. It is quite 80's. That also made me feel good about myself.
Monday, November 21, 2005
We sat in the cafe with our expensive bagels and panninis and talked about how we would rather eat here than in McDonalds. It is a beautiful cafe, large and old fashioned and the sort of place you would go to meet for coffee and a chat about your horse who is lame, "... so i said 'Jeeves, we're going to have to have him put down!' It's frightfully sad." When you walk in the windows are steamed up and the menu is written on the boards in chalk and everyone greets their friends with flushed cheeks where Jack Frost's fingers have been pinching at them. The cakes are stacked on stands and the crisps are home made.
We are too obsessed with Parisian Chic.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Guess what, guess what, guess what. Sometimes i hate her. I hate him. Sometimes i have to bite my tongue.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Makes me sick.
My house next year = french chic/crack den.
We love ourselves, our black and white images shall adorn the walls. Sitting in Starbucks Stacey said, upon questioning, "we picked up cigarette butts from the ashtray and pretended to be Pete Doherty and Kate Moss coupled with Yorkshire barmaids serving from an appple sourz tower."
Hounded by the paparazzi, struggling with drug addictions. But still pulling those pints. Or shots.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
My room is a bit of a mess, as in... clothes strewn everywhere and some to be ironed in the corner next to my bin and a witches broom from my halloween costume. It was a wonderful costume and a not so wonderful night. There are also several piles of books which are doing an incredibly good job of not helping me with the assignment i have due in at 10am on monday morning. So i shall spend all of tomorrow writing words the just sit dormant on the computer screen rather than actually forming sentences that are going to help me pass this course. Little bit of panic arising. A little bit of panic arises everytime i get set a piece of work actually. Yet still, even with this feeling, Stacey texts me and says "i'm walking into town tomorrow if you fancy a wander" and instead of saying "sorry, i've desperatly got to write an essay" my fingers tap out the words "sure thing xx"
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
"The circus girl fell off her horse, now she's paralysed."
So, therefore, the show is over.
"Oh," she said, "It's not like we have a problem here. It's just a minor mishap." Then she walked straight past me as i picked up three papers and hastily bundled them into my bag. Our eyes met, but it was nothing more than a curious glance. My skirt tangled, my hair a mess, nail varnish black and tights shimmering in the weak morning sunlight. Winter is arriving. Sigh. Breathe.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
The countdown has begun. The countdown to what? I know.
That little gasp of breath that escapes from my mouth is looking for you. But you aren't there.
Yet.
That is what i am waiting for, counting down the days.
Friday, October 28, 2005
A cup of tea, an apple for breakfast (at 3:24pm) and it's go go go on assignment writing.
Monday, October 24, 2005
My blog is being retarded. I am slightly disheartened. Tonight, i cannot write. (But i can rhyme, it would seem.) Ten "short snappy paragraphs" about Duke Ellington and it's never been so difficult to write ten paragraphs as it is right now. I am being continually distracted by other things.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
This is how much cereal there is left in my box of Rice Krispies. Uh oh.
I am now officially a published reviewer/journalist etc etc.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
You're not pretty enough, you're not skinny enough.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
It ain't such a thrill.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Last night i played Monopoly into the darkest hours of the night. I had all the greens; Bond Street is a nice little earner. I should never have sold Strand.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Last night there were paramedics buzzing around the pub. How exciting. An ambulance and a van thing and out jump men clad in green reflective uniforms. It always amuses me how people over-react when they have been drinking alcohol. Like that evening after Laura's BBQ, well over a year ago, when i was crying and was described as looking like a "frail little leaf".
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Apparently Pete Doherty is in Preston. Today, playing tonight. He wandered aimlessly into one of of university buildings. I don't understand.
This post is mainly about music.
On Monday i went to Leeds and James and i saw some excellent bands* play at his university, all for the wonderful price of £5. (Stephanie made me laugh when i told her about this.) Amazingly Retro Joe, from Preston, was there... it was a "what the fuck?" moment when we got to the venue and he was sat on the step smoking a cigarette. Afterward we downed double vodkas in some tinier than tiny bar that was actully shut, nearly got beaten up and watched Napolean Dynomite. My love of Subway sandwiches has been re-born (it's better than Starbucks, but not so good for laptops) except Subway employees in Leeds are pretty shit. Upper Crust also do rather nice bagettes and are like a train station version of Pret a Manger, which reminds me of London. Because when in London i eat Pret a Manger with Liv, who is a fat shit and who i miss a lot.
On Friday i was given free tickets to go and see The Rakes in Liverpool and review them for my university newspaper. It was a good gig, despite the girl standing next to me who had the longest, frizziest hair i have ever seen. When hair gets too long it really needs a trim to stop it from looking like a nest of wire. She had auburn wire running all over her back and spilling over onto my arm which she had to keep pulling over her shoulder to stop the people behind her pulling it as they jumped around to Strasbourg. Alan Donohoe is my Spazz Dancing King.
I can see a pub out of my window called 'Einstein's Theory' but it has been closed down. Which is a shame because i would have liked to have gone there with my sister.
*To sum up:
Viva Voce- I missed half of them, i don't know what to say. But i get to see them for free in a few weeks anyway.
The Kooks- Creepy and they're kooky, the crowd only knew Eddie's Gun, but seemed to love The Kooks anyway.
Clor- It's about rape! Amazing, especially Stuck In A Tight Spot.
The Departure- Angular. Getting a bit big for their (probably pointy) boots. Sound much better and more exciting live than on the album, but they're from Northampton, so fuck it, yeah they were excellent.
Attack! Attack! Attack!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Here are some news snippets (now that i am a journalism student my life is all about news): i am at university. Hurrah. I also have a cough, I think it is freshers flu. Stupid disease-ridden students.
I have accidentally deleted a great deal of pictures off my computer and i am a little bit sad. I am also anxious because they are still on my computer back home and although i know they are waiting for me and my USB key thing, they could be waiting a long time. Or until they get deleted from there as well.
Also, i wrote a review of the new Franz Ferdinand single today. Out of choice. Because i am a geek. I said it wasn't anything different from their previous releases, but still managed to sound "refreshing and new". I had it stuck in my head all of last week because it is frequently played at the local indie discos which Claire and i already frequent before stopping off at out new favourite greasy kebab shop for some chips and cheese.
My flatmate just knocked on my door but i was on the phone and he went away and now i feel rude.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
I AM BORED.
Perhaps if i go to the fete i will get a cream cake with jam and some tea in a styrofoam cup.
Today is the Great Oakley village fete. A young boy just walked past my house with one of those furry snakes on the end of a stick. Every year they have a duck race along the brooke, so many numbered ducks, and if the duck with your number on it crosses the line first then you are the winner.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Crossing the i's and dotting the t's
Sunday, August 21, 2005
"This wallpaper will be the death of me- one of us will have to go"
"A fat woman should not play the concertina"
"Since i gave up hope i feel much better"
Going out always produces the same results, the same people, the same faces, the same music and the same skinny jeans, waistcoats and straightened hair. Straightened until all the life is ironed out of it. On thursday the place was full to bursting with excited, drunk teenagers overwhelmed with the joy of passing their A-levels, the sudden sense of freedom, full of happiness and the prospect of the new life they would soon be embarking upon. I wish i still felt that innocently excited and optimistic.
I should have gone to that party. I knew it.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Today John cut my hair. Sitting on the little stool in his kitchen, a linoleum floor, Stephen bringing me magazines and Adam becoming Nicole's psychologist for half an hour. He wrote down all the bookings and appointments. So now i once again have the fringe that i have endured growing out for the past 10 months. My mum said "it is very Cleopatra-ish" and she then said "he's done it well, it doesn't swamp your face." I don't think she used to like my fringe, when we were at East Carlton park a few years ago (i was unwell and it was winter so i was trussed up in a scalf and a hat, with the bottom of my hair whipping around my face in the wind) she said i looked like a little ghost. She said it secretly to my Auntie, but i heard.
And
here is Noddy.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Olivia came for a flying visit, we flew to Northampton to see Arctic Monkeys and ended up seeing Noddy in his car, whizzing around the roundabout.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
So i have a fat lip. I have not been in a fight, i think i have an ulcer. Rachel said "that's what you get when you are feeling run down." I am feeling run down, i am feeling run down and run over, over and over by a large truck steamrolling my emotions onto the tarmac. Rachel slept on my couch last night, i was going to sleep with her, curled up at the end, but i got a stiff neck and so i crawled up to my bedroom and left the light on; it invaded my dreams. This afternoon i dreamt some more, in my jeans and sweater, with Radiohead playing for the first time in ages. I was reading, when i woke up my book had fallen onto the floor.
Monday, August 08, 2005
I should have been in London on Saturday night. I should have been seeing an excellent band with an excellent person but i wasn't. And the reason i wasn't there was because i did a good deed for someone which backfired in my face. Ray said to me "Jacky this is what you get when you are nice." So i have decided to continue to grow into a bitter, selfish person and never be nice again. I did take a frog down to the river in a bucket instead of leaving it helplessly hopping around my garden so i feel like i have helped the environment and conservation. I think my niceness only extends to animals.
Instead of going to London i went to the usual haunts and was followed round all night and had a bottle of Budweiser dropped on my left foot which has now turned into a grey, perfectly round shaped bruise. I get injured quite a lot. I am going to wrap myself up in cotton wool from now on.
p.s. Me and my sister are going to become dj's at a local club where you can guest dj on a thursday night. We will play some well bangin' tunes.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
So basically, to sum up:
AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Monday, August 01, 2005
Last night there was an assassination attempt on the Prime Minister. Perhaps you heard about it? There was a lot of television coverage, reporters were buzzing and radio phone-in lines were going crazy. Being as i am a close personal friend of the Prime Minister there were concerns for my safety so i was taken by black limousine, along with the Queen and Elton John, to Dover so that we could escape by getting on a ferry over to France. There were bloody killings everywhere, in quirky Italian restaurants and in my Grandparent's driveway. Blood splattered on the petunias and the pansies.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Another year older and i'm through with the terrors of being 18.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thumbs up.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Sarcasm crushes people's spirits and Steph and i watched slugs eating bread on a wall.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
I have a room in which to live in September. I wonder how it will compare to last year. I like to think the people will be better, but probably not the location. I also like to think i will feel like i have more space and more freedom in that one room than i currently have in the whole of this town. This annoying, claustrophic town where i know so many people and hate just about all of them. I think this weekend first began to go downhill when i left my bag on the train. So yeah, i'm sorry it was rubbish.
Also, my 11 year old cousin can add up quicker than i can.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
"You're so nasty."
"I know, but it makes me feel better to pick fault at other people while i struggle with my own insecurities."
Joanne kissed the blonde guy from White Rose Movement. She said "we saw you in Northampton ages ago" and it all went from there. It's great because he is the best one, along with the singer and the girl.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
It always seems strange, these days, going out and the air still being light and bright. You could imagine people still doing their shopping. Gemma said she didn't like it, she said she didn't like walking past the bus stop and people waiting to get home staring at us.
I said "we don't have the cloak of darkness to cover us."
Gemma laughed. Rachel said "that was a bit poetic. Like Shakespear."
.regret
.annoyance
.jealousy
.frustration
.regret
.regret again
.some kind of stupid, painful obsession
And also Crystal, Storm and Paris, Jamiroqui and Marshall (because it's like being named after Eminem, but much more witty.)
Friday, July 15, 2005
I have a nasty bruise on the inside of my left calf, just below my knee. There was a fight last week, a girly fight with some bitching and then a well aimed punch before the victim fell to the floor, right on top of me. I scrambled away as i was horrified that cigarettes were going to burn my skirt, and as i was helped up by a tall boy with dark hair i noticed the large red scrape on my leg and the dots of blood. I think i was also attacked, by the heel of someone's shoe. Now it is just a large and still pretty sore bruise which was red, then purple and is now a sickly yellow kind of colour. Tights tomorrow then. The worst part is my friend R was one of the attackers. She said to me "Did you see me? I was kicking her! Ha!" Hmm... yes... great, look at my fucking leg.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
What amsued me about London winning the Olympic bid? The Channel 4 news, when they showed video clips of three different places receiving the news-
The official announcement place: ecstatic cheers!
London itself: ecstatic cheers!
Some place in France: a huge, mass sigh of disappoinment!
Rachel hates France, purely because of a bad school trip she went on in year 7. I have nothing against it myself, i enjoy going there and because i can actually speak some French (which i am forgetting more of everyday) that makes me feel like i quite like it in a 'i can understand snippets of your conversation' kind of way. When we used to go on holiday to foreign countries my sister, Stephanie and i used to stand outside shops and restraunts and talk in a made up language so we would seem cool and foreign. Really we should have spoken English of course, but it's ok, i was only about 8 at the time.
P.S. I don't give a fuck about the Olympics, and spell the word 'olympic' wrong every time i type it.
My idea of a well-ironed piece of clothing, and my mother's idea of a well-ironed piece of clothing are two very different things.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
So here i am, wishing my hair would grow a bit faster.
I woke up this morning with a sense of unease and i'm not sure why. I stood in the shower for a long time trying to work out why and i still don't know. I feel like i have forgotten something, or there is something important that i should be thinking about. But i am not. Instead i am thinking about necklaces and planning this weekend and also wishing i had bought 10 Cadbury's Creme Eggs for £1 from the burger van in Kettering. They are probably out of date.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Water is running down my neck, the blisters have burst.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Last night we went to my Auntie's house as it was her 50th bithday. As the evening wore on and our numbers dwindled my Dad (who does not normally grace us with his presence at such family occasions as these) says "Jacky, remember that time you came home one night and fell asleep on the bathroom floor?"
No actually, i don't remember that night, funnily enough.
Friday, July 01, 2005
I hate people. I curse them for crossing the threshold of the shop and i curse them when they want a black Parker pen refill when we only have blue ones left.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I smell of "hello madam, would you like a sample of..." from Harrods. Adam and i are plotting the downfall of our drug-dealing, benefit fraud-committing co-worker. There are a lot of drugs in this company.
The sun has made my sleep hazy, i dreamt P came into the shop and bought malteasers, he bought them with his smile.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I am not a person that looks into the eyes of another and sees thoughts and feelings and repressed emotions struggling to be free but being disguised by a mask of well-practised acting. Crushed and held back by a brain and a heart working out the best plan of action. I am not like Virginia and Cassia and Octavia who have beautiful names and daughters named Romilly and Araminta
I am putting my feet into new shoes and a green dress with a lacey trim and Mum says "i think you've spent enough this month."
Thursday, June 23, 2005
"Speckled like a leopard..."
Argh!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Dear my Dad and my little sister Rachel,
Please don't put empty cartons of cream back in the fridge, it is very deceptive and makes me think i can have cream with my rubarb crumble when really i can't because it is empty. I had to have ice-cream instead and it wasn't as nice.
The bin is very near the fridge and requires no extra effort.
Love, Jacky
(This letter does not apply to my Mother as she wouldn't do such a thing as putting an empty carton back in the fridge.)
Sunday, June 19, 2005
BED!
BBQ day has arrived and i have momentarily come inside to escape the sun for a second, and maybe nod off onto the keyboard. I am beyond tired, and tired-ness and heat and bright sunlight makes little white flashes in front of my eyes when i blink with contact lenses that i forgot to take out when i fell into bed. I have had approximately two hours sleep after going back to Chris' last night and watching Saw and some film about cannibalistic hillbillies until quarter to seven in the morning when i decided i should go home.
I'm so tired and i'm all droopy while trying to be friendly and eating various charcoaled food. It has made our street all smokey... kids with asthma should stay inside this afternoon.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Reading my trashy summer novel about rich, beautiful people having affairs and making money, wearing my trashy pink shoes that i bought after seeing PJ Harvey and my belt, which is a tape measure, glows in the UV light.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Today it is sunny, today it has decided to be June.
My sister says, as i am putting my trainers on, "you shouldn't wear converse to run in, it's bad for your feet."
I say "yes, but i have no other trainers, remember?" and it's true, i don't have any other trainers. It is hot and it is hard to breathe and i thought that maybe i actually have hayfever or something, but of course i don't, i just have really lazy white blood cells.
My mum has been stocking up the fridge and the cupbaords with things like coleslaw and sausages and chicken fillets because we are having a bbq this weekend. I'll tell you the story shall i? The whole sorry tale. My Mum and Dad and Grandparents went to my Dad's cousin's house for dinner a while ago. (Grandma says "I wish H would make an effort with the clothes she wears.) Somehow H and her husband invite themselves round to our house and my Grandma suggests we have a bbq. Such a good idea! But we do not have a bbq. (Grandma says "... what do you mean you don't have a bbq?") Up until last weekend we didn't even have any grass in our garden. I thought it would be a boring day as my sister would be at work and i would be on my own, smiling and listening to relatives i barely know talking about other relatives i barely know. But Rachel got sacked so she will be there afterall.
Funny, i dream about getting the sack, and she really does.
Last night i dreamt i was sacked from my job and had to go and work in a supermarket.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Sometimes i like her, sometimes i don't. I don't like her when she hurts me, though she doesn't realise she is doing so. I think i have an edge, something getting me ahead in the race with the touch of a hand and some money given and a little comment. But it turns out i don't and it's all just my imagination.
and
but
and
but
and
but
and
but
Let's talk about... Sarah passing her driving test and art diploma shows and finally seeing Laura again after a long time. I have lots of days off work now so it will be like a little mini holiday in the middle of June, with rain and having the heater on. I have a cold (as usual, when don't i?) and it feels like it should be that transition between October and November, when it's not quite Autumn and not quite Winter, but it's just warm enough to go outside but cold and rainy enough to come home and drink some tea and put the lights on to make the room seem yellow.
And. Interpol.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Eating raw spaghetti. It's nice. Snap snap snap of spaghetti sticks.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I'm listening to some synthy music, made by my friends. I didn't know they had synths, could play the guitar... it's all airy and wooshy and laaa. I thought the drumming sounded really good, and then i realised why.
I have a new jacket. Maybe one day you will see me wearing it, maybe one time when we are out, partying and dancing. Maybe one time just walking along the street, in town, in the supermarket, waiting for the bus.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Rain, rain, go away.
I went for a walk and saw some Scouts looking at trees and drawing them, and i wanted to go home again.
Feeling rubbish, with some capital letters thrown in, tonight.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Today was hot. I melted, all over the floor, in a puddle with ice-cream and little chocolate chips.
I am not a summer person. Also, i let someone down yesterday and so i'm sorry to you, the person i let down like a deflating balloon.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
You are colour, i am black and white.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I went for my first ever chinese meal today.
Marvel at my ability to pose with a can of Impulse body spray. Judging by the colour of my skin... i look close to death in this photograph. That is not pale in an interesting way, it's just pale.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I think i am addicted to Boots Paracetemol and Codeine Effervescent tablets.
I like driving in the rain, i have discovered. There's something about being warm and dry in my car while everyone else outside is getting soaked that makes me feel good about myself. Rachel and i went to the French market in Kettering... it was a little disappointing, we thought it was the continental market so where expecting lots of stalls, but it just had food ones yesterday. And a stall selling belts. And bags. The belts and bags stall.
The evening was a shit night out. Basically.
Friday, May 20, 2005
I am listening to a playlist consisting of just three songs that seem to have become some kind of winter anthem for how i was feeling in November/December last year. (Sitting in the car surrounded by boxes and poster tubes and just the dark winter sky. Falling asleep and hot fish and chips on my knees. Back home to eat the food and my own bed again that late night which was warm with a feeling of failure.) And now perched on the same chair, in the same room, staring at the same shelves with rows and rows of cds i feel an incredibally strong sense of deja vue spread over me. Although it isn't deja vue, it's just a memory and a feeling so strong i feel like i am reliving it. Everything, from the atmosphere of the world, to the temperature and the weather and the attitudes and actions of people. The rooms, the lights, the 6am morning walks and my own emotions and feelings.
I thought how much better today is. How much better all these days are even when they seem bad, because everything went wrong then.
It's been a week since my last entry, a week since i last wrote anything much. Even my diary is abandonned in my desk drawer... i just don't seem to have the momentum to get me moving.
My mouth is full and i feel like i constantly want to gag.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Oh gosh...drink. Sripey jumpers and crazy hair that somehow all looks the same with a bout as much fun as you can have with Razorlight and the Killers. Stripey jumpers and stripey shirts and things. Home again now. Why are there still people chatting on msn... go to bed!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
"I'll extract his teeth and make them into a necklace for you."
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I went with Adam to get his tattoo done after work today. It was quite an interesting experience, the needle is tiny... you can barely see the tip of it and i don't know what i was expecting, but it literally looked like Janet was just drawing on his skin, and now he has three stars dancing up his stomach.
Janet has two tiny dogs and they just run around the tattoo place. Surely that can't be hygenic?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
One of my favourite things to do is become obsessed with you, him, everything.
The majority of today went by very quickley. I liked it, i wish everyday at work sped by so fast. I wish you could all come and visit me in my little (not so small) shop, and see our lovely ringbinders and lever-arch files, all set out in pretty colours. And look at our envelopes and packaging and our card making section that i spent 3 hours arranging this afternoon. It's wonderful. You could purchase a Playboy pencil case if you wanted to. They're ugly, and cost about £6 but i can get you a discount, i know you all want one. I endorse Playboy, i have a sticker on my uniform. I could show you all our artist materials and who knows, i might even be quite friendly.
Sometimes, i make an extra special effort to be nice, because there is the occasional customer who is really kind and appreciative of your help and it gives me a little bit of energy to smile. Then i get bored of that and just be me again. I am nice (oh, i'm such a nice, lovely person) but just not always particularly enthusiastic.
Dear Anna,
I'm sorry i still haven't replied to the letter you sent me so long ago. I'm rubbish, i know. I was, at first, going to wait for a little while to reply so that i could write about something interesting or find something nice to send you. But nothing interesting is really happening. So this is a mini letter until i send you a proper one. It will arrive... one day.
Love, me. xxx
Saturday, May 07, 2005
I did some constructive things today... i restrung beads and i wrote cheques and sorted through the pile of mail on my dressing table, deciding which of it actually looked like it needed to be read, and which was just more election promises. Adam and i quite fancy our local MP's son. We made up stories about him and his school life and the drugs he takes after they came into the shop to buy some specialist paper.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
I nearly cried at work today, for fucks sake.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
"You're the only story that i've never told, you're my dirty little secret gonna keep you so."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
I went to Rachel's yesterday, in a green t-shirt and she was in her pretty dress that i persuaded her to buy and without her lip ring anymore. We ate fish and chips from the best fish and chip shop and played Blackjack like old times. Except yesterday we knew the rules for a change. I danced for her, but not in an entertaining way, but so she could take photographs of my pointe shes for her art project. She tied my feet up like a present with gold ribbon.
Monday, May 02, 2005
I'm being stupid today, sitting inside in my plain white t-shirt and jeans and reading old things and wishing i could remember writing them and could be part of something else.
Laura and i get on well, we're going to a gig and things in May.
It's May already isn't it?
Sunday, May 01, 2005
I think my parents are planning on going on holiday to France this summer. I found a leaflet in our dining room with the words "holiday gites" on it.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
I am making her a CD full of girls, all the singers are girls because she's a girl and i'm a girl and it's so hot today. Very hot. Tres chaud.
Architecture In Helsinki and Sahara Hotnights and Dressy Bessy and Be Your Own Pet and Kaito and The Duke Spirit and Portishead and Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Polly Jean the Queen and Regina Spektor and Pretty Girls Make Graves and lots more, including The Subways, who have a boy singer, and who remind me of Gareth, but who are on the CD because she specifically requested them.
(Also, 'Indie Boys Don't Deserve It'- Queens of Noize. She is a queen, and she doesn't think indie boys deserve it.)
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Suddenly, intensly alone.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I am typing in the dark. The bulbs in both the main light and the desk lamp in our study have gone. The only light is that emitted from the computer screen. When i am looking at it, and then look away again, there is a flash in front of my eyes for a few moments. This can't be healthy.
I like this new msn messenger feature where you can see what music people on your contact list are listening to, it is quite amusing when you notice they are listening to Mike and the Mechanics. However it is also rubbish in that it says i am listening to a track i actually am not listening to at all, and haven't listened to in about three days.
Birthday celebrations for Sarah and Laura last night.
Shocking.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Sunny spring day, a bit too bright, and i am wearing one of those little cardigans; i am so fashionable.
I have recieved a great deal of post and literature about the election over the past few days. Needless to say, i am no more informed about political parties than i was this time last week. Perhaps if i actually took the time to read the leaflets this wouldn't be the case. However, i am one of that apathetic 40% of the population and as it is, (if i make it to my nearest polling station) will probably just vote for the Green Party because they want to help the earth n' stuff.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
I bought a copy of NME today, it cost me £1.90. Since when did it become so expensive? It used to be about £1.60.
And The Big Issue is £1.40 now.
That's inflation for you.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
I love secretly reading the blogs of people i don't know.
A new person has started at work. She is older- a mother- and i don't like it. I'm sure she is a very nice person, and perhaps, in time, when i am over that point i get of meeting new people and becoming quiet because i have nothing to say to them, i'm sure i will like her. (I can never think of things to say, i know their life-stories, they know nothing of me.) However, currently, i dislike having someone new around. It upsets the routine Adam and i have got into over the past weeks, the afternoons of being alone in the shop, the order in which we do things: ticket orders, filling up, counting the tills, eating ice-creams. Now there is someone else, someone else who does all the things i usually do. I find myself trying to make her jealous, jealous or inferior to me in some way.
Perhaps this is how my colleagues felt when i first started work, and now we get on extreamly well. Or maybe they are just more relaxed than i am. Or maybe i just think and scheme too much.
(Plus, she talks too much. She talks and talks and talks and after a while i stop even trying to sound interested when she tells me about going to hospital to have a tummy-tuck and shows me the scar i really did not need to see.)
Bye___________________________
